Important Government message

Dear  Recipient, 
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible  for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help  After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,
SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel  Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not  be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should  you feel that you  do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the  attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Government (YOUR  Government)

This would be funny if it wasn’t so true.

Don’t Get This Depressed…

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his  drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as  if to say.  'Well, - whatcha gonna  do about it?'

The little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time',the  bikie says, 'I didn't think you'd CRY. - I can't stand to see a man  crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life', says the little  guy between sobs. 'I've got to admit it - I'm a complete failure - I just  can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting,- so  my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was  stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet  in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener - and then my  own dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an  end to it all. I buy a drink - I drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve - then you show up and drink the lot!  '

To read Jade’s blog about our life, click here…

The Golfer & The Leprechaun…

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

To read updates on me, please read my other blog.

Who said the police do not have a sense of humour....

A senior citizen drove his  brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the  car dealership.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored  it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his grey  hair 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying  pushing the pedal to the metal even  more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw  a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren  blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the  elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120,  then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm  too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of  the road and waited for the police car to catch up with  him.

Pulling in behind him, the police  officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and  said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm  taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why  you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you  go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the  policeman, and replied,
'Years ago, my wife ran off with a  policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a nice day, Sir,' said the  policeman.

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab....................

 

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Have a Laugh…

I  have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take  something for it.

FOLLOW  YOUR DREAMS! Except  that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole  chicken.

Heaven  is Where:
The  Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The  Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's  all organized by the Swiss.
Hell  is Where:
The  Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all  organized by the  Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My  short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to  be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome  to Utah… Set  your watch back 20  years.

In  just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The  statement below is true.
The statement above is  false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I  am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I  LOVE COOKING WITH WINE…Sometimes  I even put it in the food.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine,  "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red  meat is not bad for you… Fuzzy  green meat is bad for  you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone  rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

I  want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

It’s Mother’s Day… Have a good one…

SIX AFFAIRS

            
The 1st Affair…
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One  day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where  have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The  2nd Affair…
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.  They decided to try one last time for the son they  always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered  a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the  nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' 

The  3rd Affair…
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.  Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever  seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician  commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such  an impressive private part. It must be saved for  posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening  his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair… 
A woman was in bed with her lover when  she heard her husband opening the front door.  'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She  rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.  'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,'  she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so  I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even  when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a  beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody  offered me a damned thing.'

The  5th Affair…
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly,  Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man  exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How  much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?'  exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' 
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair…
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have  something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Simon Sez…

You may have seen this video before… But I just love it. Enjoy…

SEX & HOUSEWORK

(THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE)
She'd been taught that housework is a woman's job, but one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set.
She was astonished!!

It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who worked full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that --- Ralph was too tired.'

God is Good…

And Then The Fight Started…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
 
And then the fight started...
******************************************
  My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 
And then the fight started....
******************************************
  Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
 
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
 
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scales.
 
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

 And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
 
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
 
And then the fight started...
  ******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
 
And then the fight started.....

How Many Women…?

My daughter-in-law just sent this to me… And I know exactly how she feels. I have the same problem here at my house & I don’t have PMT!

*******

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because  no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been
in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.
What was the question?

*****

So when my husband or my youngest son (who lives with us), reads this… Please change the bulb in the wall light in the sitting room! It blew out two weeks ago. I’ve given up asking you both!

Do You Hate Your Job…?

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this  out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section  and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will  not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out  the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by  Johnson  &Johnson is personally tested and then  sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson  & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart ... then you are just a sour old fart. Maybe you should go and work for Johnson  &  Johnson ! !  ! ! !

Saskatchewan Home Security!

That’s the way to do it!

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

                 By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,

Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,

Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits .

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,

And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.

And although they go well with my Bingo wings,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,

When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,

When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,

Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,

From the men on the site to the men in the suits,

Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,

Cruising around with my favourite suitors.

Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,

When they're less in the air and more near the floor,

When people see less of them rather than more,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

Water or Wine?

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said : In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember : Water = Poop     Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk kak, than to drink water and be full of kak.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing this as a public service.

Rude Customers…

 For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this!
 
  An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo…
 
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
 
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
 
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
 
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
 
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*** You!'

Without flinching, she smiled sweetly and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

A Child’s Painting…

This is an actual picture from a child at school.

After it was graded and the child brought it home. The child returned to school the next day with the following note from her mother:

Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  
This photo is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington

Perks of Reaching 50+….

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04.  People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake  you?
05.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08.  You can eat supper at 4pm. 
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay  off. 
16. Your joints (or your headaches) are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down. 

SPAGHETTI...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
His reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
Would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise
The child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when ! The baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He Would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.