To All My Pet Readers…

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: 

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.   The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not  designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is  not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you  can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized  bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue  sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.  Dogs and cats can  actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It i s not necessary to  sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent  possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having  tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but  sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit  from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you  there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,  meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to  open the door.  I must exit through the same door I entered. 

Also,  I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not  required.

The proper order for kissing is:  Kiss me first,  then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this  enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the  following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO  VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1)  They live  here.  You don't. 
(2)  If you don't want their hair on your clothes,  stay off the furniture. 
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.  
(3) I  like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 
(4)  To you, they are animals.  To me, they  are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't  speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids  because they:

(1) eat less,
(2)  don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are  easier to train,
(4)  normally come when called,
(5)  never ask to drive the car,
(6)  don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7)  don't smoke or drink,
(8)  don't want to wear your clothes,
(9)  don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10)  don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11)  if they get pregnant, you can sell  their children ..